I want/need to start over

I was just blog stalking, it is what I do, stalk other blogs, compare my life to others, get depressed & move on...

Then I thought I would stalk my own & well here I am, sad in one way that I haven't posted anything since June, yet okay with it as well.

I want to do better.

Why isn't there enough time to do all the things one should, must or wants??

I will see where this leads, might lead to something, might not....I just hope that it leads to my getting my bathroom cleaned....hmmmm

until then...

That's all, nothing more

Challenges shouldn't be a part of my life.....
I don't measure up & then I get frustrated.....
Sending my son off to scout camp for a week has made me stressed out....
Stress for me = eating junk.....
I am weak.....
I have had 3 dr. peppers in the last week, after 6 months of NOT having one & I will admit, they tasted BETTER than EVER (must be the can), I feel okay about it, that is NOT good....
This too shall pass, but do I want it to?? hmmm that is a major question that I am not wanting to explore.....
Neighbors should mind their own business & not worry about what I am doing, I don't talk to you for a reason, catch a clue, I DO NOT want to be your friend, so stop wasting your time trying to "figure me out".....
Postive note: had an amazing chat with an amazing friend last night (even have a leg/ankle full of mosquito bites to prove how long it was, worth every single itchy little bite!!)
HUMP day doesn't make it easy to get over the humps!!!
That's all....nothing more....well nothing I want to share

WHY, WHY, WHY???

**WARNING: This post may contain more whining than you might like, so if you can't take it, don't read it, just letting you know! As well it is a LONG drawn out, some of my feelings show post ~~ remember you have been warned!!**

1 week into my challenge has been challenging....I am loving that I have "goals" for everyday, I am loving that I am not making myself crazy with trying to reach them, that everyone of those goals are obtainable & they are not guiltful (is that a word?? it is now) goals, that they are just ways that I can improve my life everyday, a little at a time without feeling overwhelmed, burdened or crazy....
I would LOVE to say that I have reached every single one of my goals, every single day, but some of them have been out of my control....like making sure the house is straightened before I go to bed, because the men folk in my life are up later, watching the world cup & well I will just leave it at that....I wish I could say that I have enjoyed only ONE treat per day, but sometimes one hasn't been enough.....I can say that I have exercised more, I can say that I have been ready to go earlier in the day, I can say that I am more aware of the way I have treated others & have tried to be more loving (which is very, very hard for me right now!!), I can say that I not only wrote one card, but several....
SO I am asking myself this never-ending question ~ WHY, WHY, WHY am I not losing weight? Now then I know that all of these good things I am doing (exercising, watching what I eat, mentally trying to be happier) are doing some good, I know that you out there believe that I look good & that you can see a difference, I can too, but I am still wondering WHY I am not dropping more inches/pounds than I seem to be doing!!?? After really, really working hard for the majority of the 100 days in the challenge I expected to do better, to see results (okay, I know I did lower my cholesterol, blood pressure, pulse, etc. & that I am HEALTHIER for it, but come on, we all want to see the numbers DROP) and now that it has been 5 months that I have made a real honest effort, I don't see the change that I was hoping for.....
Okay, well I DO see a change, a change in everyone else around me!! Wednesday night we were at the ballpark (hmmm shocking!) and my mother in law was there....I noticed straight away how skinny/sick she looked (not in a bad way, just that she had lost some serious weight since I saw her a month ago!!) I didn't say anything to anyone, I figured that if there was something wrong, she would let us know & I really didn't think much about it, until last night (Thurs), she was at the ballgames again & this time I said to her "wow, you have lost some serious weight, good job!!" I then proceeded to ask her what she had done to accomplish it & how much she had lost ~~hmmmmm she changed her eating habits (check that one for me), she is exercising (check that one for me) & she has lost 25 pounds in about 2 1/2 month (ummm don't even go there with me!!!)
Honestly it took EVERY single effort on my part not to burst into tears right there, it doesn't seem fair, I am seriously KILLING myself day in & day out & for what?? YES I am sad, discouraged, frustrated, irritated, angry.....I would like to say that I am trying to look at what I have done to change, to feel satisfaction, but right now I am just flat out MAD!!! I measure every morsel I put into my mouth, I get up at 4:30 to go to the gym & work hard while I am there (okay, maybe I can improve this a bit), but I make an effort to really have a good workout, I drink so much water I am certain I will be the first person to wear out a toilet....I am trying & I feel like it is for NOTHING!!!
I am now officially the fattest person on Matt's side of the family, this is hard for me, we go to family things & all I hear is "Matt you are looking so good, way to go, blah, blah, blah" & then they look at me & ask if I am still working out!! What the heck!!?? (disclaimer: I am very proud of Matt, most of you know where he started!! so I am not mad per se at him, just the fact that he lost & is losing pounds without trying....ugg, he hasn't been to the gym for nearly 4 weeks!! NOT FREAKING FAIR!!)
I feel sad, I feel frustrated, I am just wondering when I will see the change, the BIG change!! I am NOT a patient person, so weight loss fairy, please come visit me soon!! I miss you, I promise to be nice to you!!!
Here's to another week & to the challenge.....
off to the gym I go

A bit of a personal challenge

Okay,
I found a list of things that I like....
I want to try them, just to see if I can do it....
Because I am NOT motivated to do anything else right now....
And I am all about CHALLENGES....

1. Straighten house before I go to bed
2. Drink 8 glasses of water per day (hence spend most of my day peeing!!)
3. Exercise for 1 1/2 hours per day
4. Be ready to present myself to the world by 9:00 am!! (this isn't hard during the school year & besides that I get to decide what is PRESENTABLE!!! - I LIKE it!!)
5. Eat 4 servings of fruit & 5 servings of veggies a day (hence spending the other part of my day in the bathroom, doing other things....)
6. Take 30 minutes for ME - does not include above said exercising time!!! ~ I am SO spoiled
7. Savor 1 small treat per day (you noticed I said savor, this will be HARD for me, I am so deprived!!)
8. Finish eating by 8 p.m. (this may become my new bed time since I won't be able to munch!!)
9. WRITE a card to someone once a week (no emailing allowed!!)
10. Do something that will make a difference in someone's life & record in my journal (now then does cooking a healthy meal for the boys fall into this category!!?? *giggle* )

When I have successfully done this for a month straight, I am treating myself to something fun, a new book, shirt, red mango treat, a nap, a massage, SOMETHING that is just for me & I promise it WILL be longer than 30 minutes long....
I shall start Monday, June 14th & end on July 15th....

ummmm

....slowly, ever so slowly it is coming back, the motivation that is....why did I think SUMMERTIME would be easier than where I have been?? I just think I am better equipped to handle things than I really, really am....
....but I am working on it, ALL of it, changing so many things it is hurting most times....
....I am off to eat & take the boys to the movies (I sleep, while they watch!!)
....then I will burn calories cleaning floors & slopping toilets, oh the joy that awaits....
....it is ALL going to be worth it, I just know it....
until then, I am slowly, ever so slowly coming back....

time for a recommitment

I don't know what has happened....
Actually I do, it is just to damn personal to go into, I am examining it myself & wanting to fix it, but not feeling the motivation to do so, for now I will continue to fight it & go forth....
It is time for a recommitment....
One thing I have learned in the past week & a half: I don't do well if I have NOBODY to account to....
My "trainer" and he knows who he is, hasn't been very encouraging to kick me out of bed early in the morning....the mistake there was thinking that now that school is out I would be able to get up later & exercise during the am, but just a bit later, but that is not working....
So Monday morning, come hell or high water (which I hope all that comes is sunshine!!), I am getting up & heading to the gym....
I went to the library & got a workout DVD, I have a friend who swears by it....so I am going to give it a shot (an honest shot) for 30 days (well I have to return it in 2 weeks, but I shall renew it again, if I see it is working), it has promised me that if I give it 20 minutes a day that I will see some serious results.....and this DVD wouldn't lie right?? So that being said, I will then come home & do this DVD for 20 minutes....
I will eat better, plan better meals, utilize the bugg better!!!! I am recommitting to myself & my health to do better!!
I will conquer & fight for better health....
I have a goal, I should write it down, after all I read that a goal not written is just a dream....I would love to share it with everyone, but I am not ready to be that personal, just yet.....maybe soon....
I need a plan, I will work on this plan tomorrow, I promise!!!

The results are in....

I am okay, truly (I think) with being placed in 3rd....
I am glad I wasn't the bottom of the couples...
I am figuring out all the good things I did accomplish (now if I could just get my house cleaned??!!)
I wanted a new deck, I am not going to lie!! But that will have to wait, maybe we can get it framed?? I don't know why I can't feel satisfaction....
I looked great last night, well I need to get me a new hair style, but I can't afford it, so....I guess I will continue with what I have....
I think I had the hottest looking man there, I honestly think if he loses one more pound I am going to lose him in a strong wind!!
I changed numbers, I am glad that I am healthier now than I was 100 days ago, but like I said, I have a long, long way to go....
I am doing another 100 days to see if I can reach my goal....I will start on June 1st & go until August 8th....during that time I plan to run 2 more 5Ks (don't fall over Amy) & get into a jean size that I haven't seen EVER!!! I jumped right over it....I hope this time I can do better!!!

not my most favorite photo of myself, but you get what you get when someone else is taking it & you don't check it out before, I am much better at goofy photos.....oh well, it is what it is!!!