WHY, WHY, WHY???

**WARNING: This post may contain more whining than you might like, so if you can't take it, don't read it, just letting you know! As well it is a LONG drawn out, some of my feelings show post ~~ remember you have been warned!!**

1 week into my challenge has been challenging....I am loving that I have "goals" for everyday, I am loving that I am not making myself crazy with trying to reach them, that everyone of those goals are obtainable & they are not guiltful (is that a word?? it is now) goals, that they are just ways that I can improve my life everyday, a little at a time without feeling overwhelmed, burdened or crazy....
I would LOVE to say that I have reached every single one of my goals, every single day, but some of them have been out of my control....like making sure the house is straightened before I go to bed, because the men folk in my life are up later, watching the world cup & well I will just leave it at that....I wish I could say that I have enjoyed only ONE treat per day, but sometimes one hasn't been enough.....I can say that I have exercised more, I can say that I have been ready to go earlier in the day, I can say that I am more aware of the way I have treated others & have tried to be more loving (which is very, very hard for me right now!!), I can say that I not only wrote one card, but several....
SO I am asking myself this never-ending question ~ WHY, WHY, WHY am I not losing weight? Now then I know that all of these good things I am doing (exercising, watching what I eat, mentally trying to be happier) are doing some good, I know that you out there believe that I look good & that you can see a difference, I can too, but I am still wondering WHY I am not dropping more inches/pounds than I seem to be doing!!?? After really, really working hard for the majority of the 100 days in the challenge I expected to do better, to see results (okay, I know I did lower my cholesterol, blood pressure, pulse, etc. & that I am HEALTHIER for it, but come on, we all want to see the numbers DROP) and now that it has been 5 months that I have made a real honest effort, I don't see the change that I was hoping for.....
Okay, well I DO see a change, a change in everyone else around me!! Wednesday night we were at the ballpark (hmmm shocking!) and my mother in law was there....I noticed straight away how skinny/sick she looked (not in a bad way, just that she had lost some serious weight since I saw her a month ago!!) I didn't say anything to anyone, I figured that if there was something wrong, she would let us know & I really didn't think much about it, until last night (Thurs), she was at the ballgames again & this time I said to her "wow, you have lost some serious weight, good job!!" I then proceeded to ask her what she had done to accomplish it & how much she had lost ~~hmmmmm she changed her eating habits (check that one for me), she is exercising (check that one for me) & she has lost 25 pounds in about 2 1/2 month (ummm don't even go there with me!!!)
Honestly it took EVERY single effort on my part not to burst into tears right there, it doesn't seem fair, I am seriously KILLING myself day in & day out & for what?? YES I am sad, discouraged, frustrated, irritated, angry.....I would like to say that I am trying to look at what I have done to change, to feel satisfaction, but right now I am just flat out MAD!!! I measure every morsel I put into my mouth, I get up at 4:30 to go to the gym & work hard while I am there (okay, maybe I can improve this a bit), but I make an effort to really have a good workout, I drink so much water I am certain I will be the first person to wear out a toilet....I am trying & I feel like it is for NOTHING!!!
I am now officially the fattest person on Matt's side of the family, this is hard for me, we go to family things & all I hear is "Matt you are looking so good, way to go, blah, blah, blah" & then they look at me & ask if I am still working out!! What the heck!!?? (disclaimer: I am very proud of Matt, most of you know where he started!! so I am not mad per se at him, just the fact that he lost & is losing pounds without trying....ugg, he hasn't been to the gym for nearly 4 weeks!! NOT FREAKING FAIR!!)
I feel sad, I feel frustrated, I am just wondering when I will see the change, the BIG change!! I am NOT a patient person, so weight loss fairy, please come visit me soon!! I miss you, I promise to be nice to you!!!
Here's to another week & to the challenge.....
off to the gym I go